Sometimes, all you need to do is take your deepest breath and walk down the steps. Sometimes, walls come up, and you need to knock them down by just pushing forward. It's when the impossible clouds everything up, and it is so hard to see your way forward, but you take that step ahead anyway. I think it's called having a brave start.
That is what I am striving to do right now. I am striving to surrender my fear and to be brave with my life.
It has been eight years since my chronic pain and illness began. When it began, it was so confusing, and there were no answers or relief to be found. Eight years later, sometimes it feels the exact same way. Every morning when I wake up, my heart gets broken all over again because of the pain. Whenever I walk or take a step, there are shooting pains that run up my legs and back. My muscles constantly ache, and in turn my spirit aches because of the things I yearn to do, and the dreams I yearn to chase. It is difficult to feel strong, important and worth something when you are in bed everyday. It is hard to feel strong when something as simple as writing, walking, getting ready for the day and picking something up become intimidating tasks. But, that is what I am striving to fight right now. I am fighting back at the destructive thought that I cannot control my health, my life or my dreams. I want everyone who deals with chronic illness to know that is simply not true. Your illness and trials may be a part of you, but they do not define you. The choices you make everyday define who you are, and what you do. The last year I have spent the majority of it in bed, and so sick, sometimes it truly scares me more than I can express. But, I have made the choice to move forward with my life. To push and knock down those walls that come with years of being sick. I have such a long way to go. I have so much to learn. But, all I know right now is that I need to try. I need to try and fight to get my life back. Right now, I am doing just a little bit at a time. Taking a class, living on my own, continuing my physical and water therapy (more on that in future posts), continuing to search for healing, physically and emotionally. It has been a huge step for me. It is a huge jump, but I sure am willing to leap, and hope that I can fly. I would much rather leap and take a chance then continue to be barred up and confined by the walls of pain.
I can say that I know that I am not alone. First, I know that God is with me, and He carries me everyday. Second, I know that there are so many others who deal with these "silent" chronic illnesses. I want them to know that they are not alone either, and there is always hope. I don't care how dark your world may seem, or what you deal with. There is always hope. Period. Choose to see it, choose to fight for it, choose to have a brave, new start. I know that it will all be worth it. We must begin, leap and take flight.