tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79786754846530079812024-03-13T18:32:54.128-06:00Brave ChroniclesChoosing to be brave amidst chronic pain and seeing all of the beauties and laughs in between the spaces.Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-60394678254422821482018-06-23T22:43:00.000-06:002018-06-24T13:36:45.986-06:0013 YearsIt has been 13 years since I became ill with chronic pain. It is difficult to describe the ache that comes from a problem that seems never ending. After many diagnosies and mis-diagnosies, it was not till 2012 that I was diagnosed with myofascial pain syndrome. Since I now have officially spent more time living my life in pain then free and healthy, I look back and feel emotions that are deep, complicated and hard to describe. I look forward and feel even more complicated, hard to describe emotions. The pain that plagues my back, neck, shoulders, hands, knees and legs is now a familiar weight...and at times so painful, all I can do is breathe.<br />
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Pain forces you to change. Illness forces you to change. Period. It is up to you if it will be for the better or or worse. Over the last 13 years, I have changed, I have evolved and I have become. I have become more then I ever thought I could be, and in some ways less then I thought I would be. Whether the pain we feel is physical, mental or emotional, it evokes a transformation in each one of us. There is a shift, and many, many transitions. It changes the way you think, they way you see others, and it changes the way you see yourself and your purpose. There are poignant and significant feelings that come with this. It changes your entire being. Pain has changed my being. It has continually, repeatedly, always made me feel wrung out, empty, aching, wanting and exhausted without even moving. But, that emptiness had provided space for light to come through, for me to grow, to bloom flowers within me, to feel true love, and to find true peace.<br />
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Here are some wandering thoughts and lessons that I have come across on my path.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>By, Sophie Neuendorff</i></td></tr>
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Self acceptance is key to healing. It brings a feeling of peace and healing to take the time to accept yourself exactly the way you are now. Now matter how sick, how weak, or how the pain is beating you down. Your illness is not a reflection of your worth. Your problems and challenges are not a reflection of your worth. This is a lesson I am still learning. <i>Oh, how I am still learning it! </i>Healing begins when we release feelings of self-hate that we hold on to. Release your insecurities. Love yourself for the person you are and the beautiful person your illness is shaping you to be. <i>Oh, how I am still learning this.</i><br />
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You can do more that you think you can, you are stronger then you think. I went through a long period, where I felt everything was slipping through my hands. I felt totally helpless, trapped. I felt like I was a bird trapped in a cage. I felt as if there was a stone wall in front of me that represented the pain and illness. There was no way to climb over or around the wall. The only way to move forward in my life was to push the wall with me as I walk. Meaning, I live my life, work and pursue goals despite the pain in my muscles and joints and heart. And I have been doing everything I possibly can to live, move forward and to be strong enough to actually push that stone wall.<br />
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Now, years later this comparison brings me a kind of quiet ache in my heart. Pushing that stone wall is hard, and it sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I don't want to push it. It is too much, too hard and the pain from pushing overwhelms me completely. It is those times when I feel broken, and all I can do is lay by the wall and cry. Yet, there remains inside of<br />
me an unending desire to move forward.<br />
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Over the last 13 years, I have tried countless medications, supplements, "this will cure everything" health products, health and nutritional diets. I feel overwhelmed when I start thinking of everything that I have tried. I have seen medical doctors, physicians, naturopaths, physical therapists, and other health professionals. I have had countless doctor visits. Some ending with hope for the future, and some ending with me in tears. I have been told by multiple physicians over the years that the pain is something that I just have to learn to live with and there is nothing they can do. I have been told that the pain is my fault and I just haven't been taking care of myself enough and I just need to buck up and deal with it. I have also been told by many caring and sincere doctors and physicians that they know that the pain is real and they want to do all that they can to help me. I feel very blessed to have two such caring physicians in my life right now who are as they say, "in my corner." </div>
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These things I know for certain though. I would not have found Adam if it wasn't for the pain and illness that I have dealt with. These 13 years of searching for answers and trying to find ways to relieve the pain have prepared me for this time while Adam is bed ridden with his own illness. I know what he feels during this time when there is no relief and just a endless stream of days of suffering. I have been prepared to take care of him, to understand him and to have the patience that I need as his caregiver. I have been prepared to understand that most answers do not come right away, even as we are working with the best specialists and health care professionals in the world to find a way to treat Adam's disease. But, I have to believe that one day answers will come and relief will be found. </div>
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These last 13 years have been more than just a journey. They have been a voyage. Even though my body hurts every single day, it only increases the intensity of my desire to accomplish my dreams and goals. The pain can be defeating. It can knock me down, and I don't want to move a muscle (literally and figuratively). But, there is still a yearning desire inside of me to accomplish my goals and dreams despite how painful it is to move. I know that this has stemmed from my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have tried and am trying with all of my heart to tune out doubts and fears and to listen to God's direction. Because of this, pathways and opportunities have opened up to me that I never thought were possible. </div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">By, Brent Schreiber</span></i></div>
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When my illness and pain began to affect my ability to sing as well as attend school, it caused a new kind of heartache. There came with it a flood of doubts and fears, which often seemed to swallow me whole. A few years ago, my dreams and goals seemed completely impossible. But, it is because of Heavenly Father and my Savior that I have been able to sing again. I have new challenges inside and ahead of me, to learn how to sing with great physical pain. To craft my voice and to learn how to do it with the body that I have been given. This strength to attend school again is not mine. It is from heaven, and I am living proof that God helps us through our weaknesses. Tender mercies in the form of my voice teacher, my peers, my professors, opportunities at UVU, my Adam, my family and the music that inspires me to sing, prove to me that it is possible for me to accomplish my educational goals and to be able to sing with all my heart. I have a dreaming heart, and I ache for those dreams to come true. I have always been told that anything is possible, even the impossible. I am trying this out for myself. </div>
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I don't know what the next thirteen years hold for me. I hope in good things to come though. Dare I hope to actually be pain free? To be able to sing and dance and run and move and climb mountains and to be free of the pain that holds me captive? I think I will dare to hope. I know one day complete healing will come, but for now my Savior, Jesus Christ will carry me when I fall in exhaustion. He will push my walls with me. </div>
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Here is some of the music in a playlist on Spotify that has helped me cope with the pain, and has inspired me to keep singing despite it: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/1235929363/playlist/18Fw6DbHHlhM06gp6jlyMK?si=aeyaIjPCQ0uoVU9KUMGWRQ" target="_blank">13 Years Playlist</a></div>
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Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-24713170733612210182017-06-24T18:15:00.000-06:002017-06-24T18:21:01.053-06:00Just a Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I can feel the pain in my back and legs as I hear the alarm clock waking me up. I turn the alarm off and cringe as I sit up from the pain. I look over and see that Adam is not in the bed, which for us right now, is not a good sign. I leave the bedroom and immediately find Adam curled up on the floor outside of the bathroom with a bowl. Our sweet golden retriever, Rusty is laying by him with her soft brown eyes open, as if she hasn't slept either but has stayed awake with him all night watching over him. I look at this scene and a bit of my heart cracks for the millionth time. I fall on my knees with a sigh, and give Rusty some grateful pats on the head. I gently put my hand on Adam's shoulder to wake up. He awakes with a start, and I tell him to let me help him back to the bed. I help Adam to his feet and feel a sharp pain in my back and hands, but I ignore it. As I help him back to bed, with Rusty at our heels, Adam tells me that he knows he is dehydrated. I go to get his feeding tube supplies and as he sits, we gently use his feeding tube to give him water. I then remember that we are out of Pedialyte, which helps restore electrolytes when the dehydration becomes this bad from throwing up so much. As I help Adam settle back into the bed, I quickly put on some shoes to run to the pharmacy. As I drive, I try to take calming breaths. No matter how many times I wake up to find Adam in this position, or stay up with him late into the night to help him through the illness, it never becomes easier. As I step out of the car into the pharmacy, the pain increases in my legs, but again I ignore it. I know right where the Pedialyte is, but of course they are out. I ask for help and 10 minutes later I am checking out. The cashier tells me that I have enough points saved up to get a discount. The points add up as I am constantly refilling Adam's prescriptions, or picking up new ones.<br />
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When I get home, Adam has fallen asleep and I take a sigh of relief that he is able to sleep for awhile. There are still many things to do when someone is chronically ill, and today I need to clean the bathroom, wash the sheets, dust, make sure Adam has enough medications for the next couple of weeks and finish some things from work and school. As I go to work, I can feel the pain in my back creep up into my shoulders and neck, and eventually I have to sit down and take a break. I look at my hands and see that they are swollen, which happens often when they are in pain. I think to myself that after 12 years of being in pain I would get used to it, but I don't. I get back to work, and then I hear Adam throwing up. I go into the bathroom and Rusty is sitting by Adam. I sit on the edge of the bathtub and place my hand on his back as he throws up. When he finishes, I give him some tissues to wipe his face and nose and he places his head on my lap. We sit there for a time, and I tell him that everything is going to be alright. It's going to get better. Adam brushes his teeth and then I help him back to bed again. I then go get a cool rag to place on his forehead as this helps with the nausea sometimes. Adam isn't able to eat much, but he does some formula through his feeding tube and I make a simple dinner and pray so hard that he can keep at least some of it down. We watch an episode of Psych, because we firmly believe that a Psych a day keeps the grumps away. :) Even though Adam throws up halfway through, we are still able to finish it and laugh together for a little bit.<br />
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As I help him back to bed again, I realize that my pain is at its worse for the day. Adam and I then say a prayer together. Adam prays and is so grateful to God for our blessings. Our safe, comfortable apartment, for his angel aunt and uncle that are so generous to let us live here, for Rusty and the comfort and happiness she brings to us, for the love and support of our families and loved ones, and how we feel their love and prayers. He thanks God for our car that by some miracle keeps running. He thanks God for our marriage and the support we are to one another, he thanks God for helping him through the day and for giving him the strength he needed. He then prays for each of our parents and siblings and dear friends and family members by name and for their specific needs. As he ends the prayer, I truly feel God's love for us. I feel that God is aware of us and of our suffering, individually and together. That feeling reminds me as it has almost everyday for the last 12 years that even though things are hard and painful, it does not make me forgotten. Even though I don't have the answers to why Adam is so sick, or why I am still in pain after all these years after doing absolutely everything I can to make it go away, I still can feel peace even while I ache.<br />
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Later that night, Adam is unable to sleep because of the nausea and can't fall back asleep after throwing up. I start him a warm bath, and after helping him back to bed after the bath, I rub his shoulders and neck because he pulled a muscle from throwing up. The weight of it all hits me, the crack in my heart deepens and I start to cry. Adam pulls me into his arms and talks me through my anxiety. As I calm down, I remember the feeling of peace I had earlier and reach out to it again. With Adam's incredible understanding and with God's love and watchful care I am reminded that everything will be ok. Everything will work out. As Adam helps me, my tears slow down and we are eventually able to fall asleep again.<br />
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We don't have answers yet. We don't have relief yet. But, we do have peace. We have peace because God's love is real and one day everything will be made right. And that is enough for today.<br />
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<br />Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-9534497414787148862016-03-14T22:44:00.004-06:002016-03-15T00:22:59.474-06:00Adam is Brave<br />
This morning Adam was throwing up blood.<br />
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He had a doctor's appointment at 12:00 and when I called to cancel, the nurse asked what was wrong. I told her that he had been throwing up blood. She asked if I was taking him to the ER. I said no. I said no because we had been down that route before, that this happens once in awhile and all he has is a tear in his esophagus from throwing up too much. All they can do at the hospital is give him fluids and anti-nausea medication, all things that I can give him here at home now. But, I assured her that if it got worse I would take him in. Thankfully, that didn't happen and I have been keeping a close watch on him and making sure he has had enough fluids all day. <br />
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Throwing up blood from a tear in the esophagus caused by throwing up too much. This has become our normal and Adam is the bravest person I know for facing it with such courage and dignity.<br />
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We went to the Mayo Clinic in December with such high hopes. We were so positive we would be able to turn a corner.We squared our shoulders and took a leap of faith. After days of him be tested, poked, prodded and scanned all they could find was some abnormal blood work and MRI's, but still have no idea what it all means. At the last appointment when the neurologist was telling us there was nothing more he could do, I broke down. I could not hold it in, and the tears fell so fast. We stepped into the waiting room and that's when we sat down and cried together for a long while. At first we cried separately and then I ended up holding him and crying on his shoulder. After we pulled ourselves together, I knew we could not leave on that note. We went back to his gastroenterologist and asked to see him. He kindly fit us in right away and when he walked into the room, he gave me a hug. He said that he wanted us to know that nobody was giving up on us. Second, there were still paths that he wanted to try. While this was reassuring, our hearts were broken.<br />
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Having a broken heart at the same time as your loved one is a sacred experience. As I look back on that day, and the days that followed, I realize that as we were both in pain, we were drawing closer together. We sat down in the waiting area, waiting for the hotel shuttle to come pick us up. I wanted to run away, I wanted to just cry, I even wanted to scream, which is not like me at all. My head was buzzing and I am sure I was near a panic attack. I couldn't sit still, and as I was pacing some saving grace came to us in the form of a text from Adam's father. It said:<br />
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"Hold on to each other."<br />
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This calmed my heart. When I read it, the world stopped around me and I went and sat next to Adam, pulled his head out of his hands and held on to him tightly. This became my mantra for the next couple of months. Adam says that it calmed him as well as our hopes and expectations had been completely dashed. We began saying it to each other every so often to remind us. The best thing you can do when it is all falling apart is to hold on to the one you love the most. Hold on so tight. That is where healing came for us at this time.<br />
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"Hold on to each other."<br />
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Saving grace also came in the form of my parents driving 5 hours to come rescue us from that ordeal and taking us home to a safe place where no one could hurt us.<br />
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As Adam's health continues to struggle and as he suffers each and every day and night, he keeps his hope. This is what makes him brave. He still has hope that things will get better even though he literally spends his days unable to get out of bed completely nauseous or with a migraine, or throwing up, fighting with all his strength to not throw up, or just having enough strength to see his family for a little bit. He sees the good in the world around him and he loves others without hesitation or judgement. Even though we still have a journey ahead of us and still have tears to cry, I know that something good will come from all of this. <br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>She Became Herself With Tears </i>by, Caitlin Connolly</span></div>
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It is thanks to our God for giving us everything that we need to be at peace when everything else is chaos. It is thanks to my angel parents and siblings, Adam's angel parents and siblings and our dear friends that we know we are loved and cared for. It is thanks to our dear family members and church family that our immediate needs are taken care of. Adam and I would never be able to fully express our gratitude for these blessings.<br />
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We will never give up, and we will always hold on to each other. I hope that we all will hold on to our loved ones a little tighter as well.<br />
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<br />Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-54659572764564135452015-09-21T16:40:00.000-06:002015-09-29T23:00:09.079-06:00Caregiving, Care Receiving and Everything in BetweenAccording to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of a caregiver is, "a person who gives help and protection to someone...a person who provides direct care." Synonyms include, carer, caretaker and guardian. While this is meant in a medical sense, I see it in a different context. Anyone who protects, loves, and cares for another in anyway is a caregiver. The synonym "guardian" particularly stands out to me. I can be a guardian for my husband during this time, and even though he is bed ridden and physically unable function he is still my guardian as well. He gives help and protection to me, and in that way he has become my caregiver as well.<br />
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Becoming a caregiver has stretched my soul and my heart. It has brought me to my knees countless times, and I have cried countless tears. Sometimes I feel so exhausted it feels like I can barely think or move. But, it has also brought me unspeakable peace and an assurance that caring for someone else in their time of need is the most important thing I can do right now at this time in my life. Caring for someone is a sacred thing, and it can transcend the normal everyday experience.<br />
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Being a wife and a caregiver does not mean that it is all one sided. Adam and I are still a team. It is not his illness, it is our illness that we are battling together. This is what we do to be caregivers for each other. I felt like I needed to record what it is like for us on a day to day basis.<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Karen Darling</i></span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRlwiq3Ru4Iuk4AiZ45jBbDARN_pCHsOVJJex36go0bkAw__u1OlLK1ojXpy2-r6BFfZjGhJlEHWPsqEpj_p4AyZs_cMVfpYZSTXYKlwHwlFyt_dg_pYsOxwIumvoLTSJ4_06yOk4Z2Zw/s1600/0af9fbf4069c49736dd54c2435b5dfba.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRlwiq3Ru4Iuk4AiZ45jBbDARN_pCHsOVJJex36go0bkAw__u1OlLK1ojXpy2-r6BFfZjGhJlEHWPsqEpj_p4AyZs_cMVfpYZSTXYKlwHwlFyt_dg_pYsOxwIumvoLTSJ4_06yOk4Z2Zw/s400/0af9fbf4069c49736dd54c2435b5dfba.jpg" width="292" /></a>In the morning, first thing I need to do is pray. I pray for strength for the day, for patience and understanding and for peace. Mostly I pray that Adam can have some relief that day and to help me know his needs. Then I have Adam's feeding tube set up. It is a formula that I mix together with water. The bags of formula and water are then attached to the pump with the correct settings and then connected to the tube in Adam. It takes a few hours to complete the feeding, and we have to make sure he is sitting up a little bit, or it causes heartburn and acid re flux. If we have a doctor appointment that morning, we start the feeding afterwards. There are pills that Adam needs to take morning and night. We have those nifty pill dividers for each day. It really helps us keep track. There are some medications, or over the counter pain medicine if he needs it that I crush up in a pill crusher (one of the best inventions ever), mix with water and put in his tube with large syringe. I always make sure there is an extra towel and a "just in case he can't make it to the toilet in time bowel" on his bedside. After getting him settled for the day, I head to work for a few hours and try not to worry about him too much while I'm away. :) During the day there are doctors to call, or appointments to make. There are sometimes prescriptions to refill, and lines to wait in to pick up the prescriptions. Everyday his bandage on the site where his feeding tube is needs to be cleaned and changed. <br />
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After I come home in the evening, first thing I check on him, make sure the feeding finished and see if there is anything he needs right away. I love spending the evening together. He tries to move from the bed to the couch, or a chair in the kitchen and we talk if he can or watch Netflix. Some days he is too sick to move at all, and so I keep a close eye on him and put cool rags on his forehead (that helps take the edge off of migraines and nausea). Those times are the hardest, where I need to take some deep breathes and remember that I can't control everything, but he is in God's hands. The pain of watching your loved one suffer is unlike any pain I have felt before. I am learning to take the time to deal with those emotions, and remind myself that everything will be ok. I then make dinner and catch up on chores and house work or whatever Adam needs help with. I am a stress cleaner, so it helps me release my stress a little bit. :) Because Adam is bedridden, I try to wash the sheets and blankets frequently and I also keep the toilet and bathroom clean as I can because he is forced to spend so much time in there throwing up, or trying to not throw up. Depending how much much he threw up that day, or if he is feeling particularly weak we do another feeding through the feeding tube. Nights can be especially hard as it is difficult for Adam to sleep or stay asleep with the constant nausea and vomiting. I try to help him as much as I can through the night if it is a really hard night for him. Often, he pulls muscles in his back or shoulders from vomiting, so I will rub his back, neck or head, or his feet to help him relax. Sometimes, we just hold each other.<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Caitlin Connolly</i></span><br />
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Even though Adam can't be on his feet right now, he does the best he can to take care of me in the best way he can. When I am in a lot of pain he will take the time to rub my legs, even as sick as he is. No matter what, no matter how sick he is, he has always been there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. He is my best friend, and has always been perfectly accepting of me. He is constantly asking what he can do for me or for others.<br />
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He always helps me work through my pain when I am struggling, and in that way he is a caregiver for me as well.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtT8SmBqFmJrG32WDZt70y5VBPFPRiAWove2O5VRZ47xugVFqelzY1YBhB7k-E5W0c15aFhjY4kZ7HstgxfEzalOnw0FIm8hsJjH0DlEcytoolqBtLyIFRniUO96t9E8kKMenncObozsg/s1600/bda727108d133dfadd900d5fe56c9366.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtT8SmBqFmJrG32WDZt70y5VBPFPRiAWove2O5VRZ47xugVFqelzY1YBhB7k-E5W0c15aFhjY4kZ7HstgxfEzalOnw0FIm8hsJjH0DlEcytoolqBtLyIFRniUO96t9E8kKMenncObozsg/s400/bda727108d133dfadd900d5fe56c9366.jpg" width="307" /></a>At the end of the day we always pray together. Adam always takes the time to pray for everybody! Seriously, he names and prays for so many loved ones. And he always does it with such sincerity and faith. It is amazing to me. We listen to the scriptures and often will say what we are grateful for that day.<br />
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It is all about taking it one day at a time. As a caregiver, I often need to step back and think about just what I need to do that day, and do my best to achieve it, otherwise I get too overwhelmed. Adam helps me with that. He is my caregiver. He gives love, true empathy, patience and support. Truly, it is his strength that helps me keep going, even when I feel I can't do it another day.<br />
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We are all caregivers in one way or another. Be the guardian of the one you thought of while reading this post. Caring is having faith that you are doing all you can. It is my prayer that I can always be brave enough to care with all of my heart.<br />
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<br />Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-91020379154949456502015-08-18T16:54:00.001-06:002015-08-18T16:56:47.429-06:00GratitudeThere are some days that feel as if the seams of the fabric of our life are falling a part. There are some days where the sorrow, heartache and pain seem to reach the very depths of our souls. But, there is one thing that pulls those seams back together. It eases the sorrow and heals the heartache. It soothes the pain. It is gratitude, and Adam and I have found it to be a healing balm and a source of comfort. Often, before we go to sleep we list what we are grateful for that day. It really helps us keep things in perspective and helps us keep a knowledge of how blessed we really are. Here is my list of gratitude.<br />
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1. I am so grateful that the surgery Adam had to have a feeding tube place went smoothly. The recovery has been so hard, much harder than either of us expected but, the feeding tube is working well, and he finally is able to get the nutrition and calories that his bodies needs to be sustained and to start healing. Hopefully this will help him not have the severe weakness and dizziness that comes from not being able physically to keep down enough food. This has given us hope, and my words can't describe the gratitude I feel for that. </div>
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2. I am so thankful for Adam's resilient spirit. He has not complained once, and continues to amaze me and others with his love and grateful heart. </div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Vincent Van Gogh</span></i></div>
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3. We are both grateful for the dedicated team of nurses and doctors that have made this happen. We are grateful for the steady and experienced hands of the surgeon who placed the feeding tube. We are grateful for the nurse practitioner and dietitian that have made sure this is the best thing for Adam. I am grateful for the dedication and care from the home health nurses as they call to check up on Adam and their patience and careful explanation as they have shown me how to set up the feeding tube, the formula and how to administer his medication. </div>
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4. Modern medicine is a wonder to be grateful for during this time. While we don't have all of the answers right now, we trust that they will come.</div>
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5. I am so grateful, with all of my heart for the love and support of our friends and family. There have been times when my physical strength fails, and my angel mother and angel mother in law have been there to do what I sometimes can't. My parents and sweet brother came out last week to help, and I don't know if I could have done it without them. Adam's parents and siblings have been there constantly, giving both of us the love and support we need. It is a sacred and special experience to be on the receiving end of so much love and prayers, and Adam and I are constantly touched and renewed by the strength that comes from it. Sometimes, the most powerful and moving things are ones we cannot see. We can only feel them. This is one of those times, and we are so grateful. </div>
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6. We are grateful for our wonderful apartment, and for Adam's aunt and uncle that have been beyond generous in allowing us to live there and to work through this in such a safe and comfortable place. Adam and I are grateful for them every day. We are grateful for a comfortable bed, a place where Adam can lay and heal and rest. We are grateful for his medicines, for pharmacies, for syringes, for pill crushers, essential oils, for the feeding pump and IV pole, for the formula that will give his body what he needs.</div>
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7. I am so grateful for music, a constant refuge and source of comfort for me. I am grateful for Disney movies, for the TV show Psych that we watch and can laugh and forget our problems for a minute. :)</div>
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7. There is peace knowing that God lives, that He is our loving Heavenly Father. I am so grateful that I feel peace when I pray. I am talking about lasting peace, it is not temporary, it is not fleeting. It is real, and it comes from Him who loves us. We are both grateful for the knowledge that God's timing it perfect, and that He is watching over us. We know that we are not alone. It is my knowledge of these things that has allowed me to be ok, and to be able to keep going everyday.</div>
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8. I am so grateful for marriage. That Adam and I can become one, and that we can work through this together. I know that we are stronger together than we could ever be a part. I am grateful that we can laugh and cry together. There is a healing that comes from loving someone with everything inside you, and I am grateful for that. </div>
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It is not always easy, but recognizing and being grateful for the little things brings peace when everything around says otherwise. </div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Nicoletta Thomas Caravia</span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHfyogMkadrkLRcbndh_2p4_vMfP3n9ywTiw6fIqyGXYT7f3F2eNN5aktzV59ZlQdPypMiSbFGZOdN_F3Pdd36BC6hACpuxVc8GK-Emhok8-NiyBEG5xdLRVOcC17QAXE38aohR7VxlKc/s1600/5eca4ee3162904bb4f80f9a71767e571.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHfyogMkadrkLRcbndh_2p4_vMfP3n9ywTiw6fIqyGXYT7f3F2eNN5aktzV59ZlQdPypMiSbFGZOdN_F3Pdd36BC6hACpuxVc8GK-Emhok8-NiyBEG5xdLRVOcC17QAXE38aohR7VxlKc/s400/5eca4ee3162904bb4f80f9a71767e571.jpg" width="197" /></a>"We can choose to be grateful, no matter what. This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer. When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.<br /><br />Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.<br /><br />This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.True gratitude is an expression of hope...It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will."<br /><br /><br />-Dieter F. Uchtdorf</div>
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Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-7176352242075312802015-07-07T16:41:00.000-06:002015-07-07T16:41:08.853-06:00The Story of Us It has been very hard for me to write about what Adam and I have been going through in the last part of our journey. With the challenges there have been many joys though. There is always more good than bad. There is always more joy to be found than pain. I think I am just going to open my heart up and share our story. Adam's story and strength need to be shared. <br />
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Adam has a rare disease in his esophagus called Esinophilic Esophagitis. It is a allergic inflammatory condition of the esophagus. Symptoms include difficulty swallowing, food impaction, heartburn, pain, nausea, vomiting and other GI upsets. He has had it since he was 13 years old. He has been bed ridden since we were married in July of 2013. He suffers with severe chronic nausea and vomiting. It is very difficult for him to keep down any food. Dehydration is a problem, so he has nutritional IV's and medicine here at home. We have wonderful nurses and doctors that work with us. He recently had a PICC line put it, which is a more permanent IV that allows Adam to receive much of his treatment at home. The suffering he experiences is indescribable. The nausea just overwhelms him, and often the vomiting is so violent that he throws up blood or pulls muscles in his neck or back. Sometimes, I am able to sit with him as he throws up and put my hand on his back, to be there for him. But, sometimes it is just too hard for me to watch him suffer. We are both grateful that I am not a sympathetic puker! :) The vomiting happens multiple times a day. Sometimes it eventually turns into dry heaving, and sometimes he feels like he can't leave sitting in front of the toilet for up to a hour even. It is times like this when we are so grateful for his PICC line and Intermountain Home Health that allows me to set up his IV fluids to help with dehydration, and also it allows us to give him anti-nausea medication through the IV that helps take the edge off, even just a little bit. <br />
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Adam also has some food allergies that tie into the Esinophilic Esophagitis. He is allergic to soy, corn and milk and is gluten free along with myself. It has been such a growing experience for me to learn how to cook and provide meals that are in accordance with his food allergies. I have learned so much in that regard, and I assure you that it is possible to have delicious and healthy meals despite having food allergies! <br />
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When we fell in love, it was the most natural and easy experience of my life. It was easy to know that he was my best friend, that we were meant to be together. I knew when we were married that we would have our share of challenges. But, there was no way I could comprehend what was coming for us. Because we had each struggled with chronic illness, we had a mutual understanding and we had true empathy for each other. I am going to be completely honest, the last two years have been a bit of a blur, late nights, hard mornings, doctor appointments, hospital visits, procedures, IV's and giving as much love as I possibly can each and every day. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRwDG3Kxa3VB6DeboW_0qxZqanF_eTcv6vmtrFlkcqb0DPIq4Na2-sRPKHkvBqp7J5wZT1OF8zYtE28jjyzlnnX4eOzLx0iiCgbdeam9aJQp1Vu0O7hKZ8emYCaP5TmiVva58lIDUsDXw/s1600/98376ed32d35cbfba89d14e3b4326939.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRwDG3Kxa3VB6DeboW_0qxZqanF_eTcv6vmtrFlkcqb0DPIq4Na2-sRPKHkvBqp7J5wZT1OF8zYtE28jjyzlnnX4eOzLx0iiCgbdeam9aJQp1Vu0O7hKZ8emYCaP5TmiVva58lIDUsDXw/s400/98376ed32d35cbfba89d14e3b4326939.jpg" width="378" /></a></div>
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This painting is by the amazing Caitlin Connolly. It is entitled "They Climbed A Very Small Mountain Together." For me, it perfectly depicts the mountain Adam and I climb together every day. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyXoJo16R_Kk_-1Kh0fmXbCfIPdwqVH727RjtQqKSzEJt4vE8S4Mn78gL7X0CYjErFoHzw9XrRDeXTJITC4Bv9jHtij2jSbU1RXQfWzDNxVMsNIaFZcfYKW9mp4c4g_d9gR3Vvqo4hW8w/s1600/a9434d8d654daff8582a7ca428432a0a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyXoJo16R_Kk_-1Kh0fmXbCfIPdwqVH727RjtQqKSzEJt4vE8S4Mn78gL7X0CYjErFoHzw9XrRDeXTJITC4Bv9jHtij2jSbU1RXQfWzDNxVMsNIaFZcfYKW9mp4c4g_d9gR3Vvqo4hW8w/s200/a9434d8d654daff8582a7ca428432a0a.jpg" width="200" /></a>It wasn't till about a year ago that I realized that I had become my husband's caregiver. A word and a title that has such a deep and special meaning to me personally. I cry tears mixed with an aching and a reverence at the same time when I think about being Adam's caregiver. I have realized that to be able to care for someone and their physical needs, to do things for them that they cannot do for themselves is sacred and special. I have also realized that in our situation, the more love and patience I give, the more inner peace I have in my heart and my mind. I have been able to have lasting peace despite having this immovable weight on my heart, mind and body. <br />
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Adam is the most resilient person I know. He is the strongest person I know. I have never seen someone endure such great suffering, and yet he is unbroken. Despite his great personal suffering, he cares so deeply about others and being there for them. Despite feeling like he is wasting away, he will smile and talk to you as if nothing is wrong and that the only thing in the world that matters to him is you. He has been an incredible example to me of accepting God's will and enduring well, one day at a time. <br />
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In sickness and in health has become indescribably meaningful for Adam and I. It is because of the promises that we have made to each other, and to God that we are able to be at peace and still have joy in our situation. There have been tear filled days, sleepless nights, and stress and anxiety and pain and grief beyond anything than either of us have experienced before, and I don't know how much longer they will continue. But, I do know that as long as we have each other and the Lord we will be ok.<br />
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The other day we just held each other and cried. That has happened more than once. I am so grateful to Adam for his strength. He is my comfort, and he is always there for me. I know with everything inside me that the suffering we both have experienced is not pointless. It is poignant, soul moving, harrowing and heart wrenching, but never pointless and never without hope. It is full of light and love. And that means we will be okay. We will be more than okay. <br />
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Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-48786405385527649522013-09-18T00:48:00.000-06:002013-09-18T00:56:55.116-06:00If My Heart Was A House, You'd Be Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well. I just have to blog about the best man, best time, best love, best experience, best memories, best everything, best day ever. I just have to. Because it's just the best ever.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQDsqbalk7xpZLWg4lGbiP74ZONltb7HQ8gncLy7WV6KRIPLs0CL5BxjToet7z3oaizLIErMa6zMC6QV6wKSV6vF9QlNfRHsLLV42HqVvknroYL9A8KSSbLL_Pa26w0wsuOzKnLeAytmE/s1600/Caitie+Graves+Wedding+Favorites-24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQDsqbalk7xpZLWg4lGbiP74ZONltb7HQ8gncLy7WV6KRIPLs0CL5BxjToet7z3oaizLIErMa6zMC6QV6wKSV6vF9QlNfRHsLLV42HqVvknroYL9A8KSSbLL_Pa26w0wsuOzKnLeAytmE/s400/Caitie+Graves+Wedding+Favorites-24.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Throughout the years, I know that my illness has played a profound role in how others see me. Sometimes, in a not so good way. That can be hard and painful. If you have ever felt that, please know that you are not alone. Growing up, I worried so much that I would not ever be able to find someone that could accept that part of me. My illness is a part of me that is often times still hard for me to swallow, let alone another person. I always worried that I would never find someone who would love that part of me. There have been points of my illness where I have felt real loneliness, a real loneliness in my physical pain and struggle. I have had real experiences in the past where as soon as a boy found out about my illness, I never hear from him again. That created a lot of heartache, and I put up lots of walls. Then one day, someone walked into my life that could help me take those walls down, and heal that heartache and loneliness. And it was in a way that I never even dreamed or ever expected.<br />
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Once upon a time, I wanted with all my heart to serve a mission. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of serving as a missionary. I grew up watching missionaries teach people in my family's home about Jesus Christ and His Gospel. I saw the way that it brought light, hope and healing into their lives and I wanted to share that same light, hope and healing that had entered my own life because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. When I turned old enough to begin the application process, I had just come out of a very difficult year and a half of my illness. The chronic pain and other issues were still an everyday concern, but I was so determined to go and serve. I wanted it more than any other goal or dream at that time. When I applied at first, the Church asked me to do a three month trial mission before the officially sent me out. They wanted to make sure I could physically handle the schedule and rigors of missionary work, because it is real work. My illness was a concern, but I was more concerned about accomplishing my dream and serving the Lord.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWPos87R4zcwR6zpPKRzVq_U-7IhUah-FCrJARST0SX0duOEH4wsdwKQ5p4nluYFnLvnvF20k7kZa_bb4CZS5UPEVBKq8oR5kAiaZrGKAR88lL7T6hJpgC6Cb8DxhfmbD3Oyq2_qA1Q1E/s1600/Caitie+Graves+Wedding-338.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWPos87R4zcwR6zpPKRzVq_U-7IhUah-FCrJARST0SX0duOEH4wsdwKQ5p4nluYFnLvnvF20k7kZa_bb4CZS5UPEVBKq8oR5kAiaZrGKAR88lL7T6hJpgC6Cb8DxhfmbD3Oyq2_qA1Q1E/s400/Caitie+Graves+Wedding-338.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp6hendDkc-g_0iaKPCQ7wy4z_Bqz3C0if9nfBuQslRDP4KRTnkmpiIOOXsB2uxSx8tX9G6Ust6ZItsYz9rBcLA_i5SrcdLxPRPVdpCU3tsOiNDrSY3f6qhL5eG72f2XlBeTtAjutwmMM/s1600/Caitie+Graves+Wedding-340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp6hendDkc-g_0iaKPCQ7wy4z_Bqz3C0if9nfBuQslRDP4KRTnkmpiIOOXsB2uxSx8tX9G6Ust6ZItsYz9rBcLA_i5SrcdLxPRPVdpCU3tsOiNDrSY3f6qhL5eG72f2XlBeTtAjutwmMM/s400/Caitie+Graves+Wedding-340.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz-7B41VBPqWxEHyRQ-AgxPRldhWXPE0iOMJVjcmOd58TIzRT5ZA_Pr6FNuEgwD9PVvRTzbDGQDNYOiDmPFiYBxX93xLJ1a0eMy_akAGac1ovc3D1LLsmR6nf25mwT3AMZt3d7dW94gtM/s1600/b25fc39d59ba87058450151e346be88b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz-7B41VBPqWxEHyRQ-AgxPRldhWXPE0iOMJVjcmOd58TIzRT5ZA_Pr6FNuEgwD9PVvRTzbDGQDNYOiDmPFiYBxX93xLJ1a0eMy_akAGac1ovc3D1LLsmR6nf25mwT3AMZt3d7dW94gtM/s320/b25fc39d59ba87058450151e346be88b.jpg" width="220" /></a>I met Adam my first day as a missionary. He was serving as a missionary in the Missouri Independence mission. Time went on, and eventually he found out about my illness. When he found out about it, he came up to me at a meeting one day and said, "Sister Graves, I know that it is possible for you to serve a mission despite your illness, because I have a chronic illness too and the Lord helps me do it everyday." Needless to say, his example inspired me. For the first time in my life I didn't feel so alone. There was someone who could really understand what it is like being sick everyday. I mean, truly, completely understand. He gave me a lot of strength during that time, and helped me understand that with God, all things are possible. I was able to receive an official mission call to the Washington Seattle Mission, and treasured every moment I had live my dream and serve a mission. It was the hardest, most soul stretching experience, yet it is a sacred treasure in my heart because the growth I felt spiritually, the miracles I saw everyday, the people I met that were able to draw closer to Jesus Christ. I will always treasure the helping hands from heaven that I felt each day that carried me, guided me, and pushed me along when I lacked the physical strength. Some of the greatest blessings of my life are a direct result from my mission, and Adam is one of them. <br />
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Adam's illness began when he was a young teenager, like me. He has battled his illness so bravely for a little over ten years. I stand amazed everyday at his strength, his determination and his courage. Never once have I heard him complain about his illness. He has an illness called eosinophilic esophagitis. It is an inflammatory disease of the esophagus, and causes severe nausea, vomiting, stomach spasms, and dysphagia (swallowing problems). He is my hero in every way. You would never know the battle that he fights everyday just by looking at him, because he is so full of light, strength, consideration for others and pure kindness. Despite his illness, he is constantly looking out for others and serving them. He has a special kindness and pure spiritual and mental strength that permeate his every action. He is steady and true, and he has captured my heart. He picked it up off the ground and has mended the cracks I thought could never be healed. It's as if he knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. He fills my soul to bursting with joy and hope. <br />
We quickly became best of friends after our missions. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg9O5UR62pEB8dcAx8BfFZ8ydi_uI0QmEkhnBXJfGQkMLKs6mWFvBXp3hUhtBTPaukKoqmhjECMwPENRqn3qsz3N0oURsleKZIL_NDUx2xosEKqD23JEUAIn7uBvS_-MvpbrxjkblXtCA/s1600/b50f4f028a9ce13a1aa29edc7bc51758.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg9O5UR62pEB8dcAx8BfFZ8ydi_uI0QmEkhnBXJfGQkMLKs6mWFvBXp3hUhtBTPaukKoqmhjECMwPENRqn3qsz3N0oURsleKZIL_NDUx2xosEKqD23JEUAIn7uBvS_-MvpbrxjkblXtCA/s320/b50f4f028a9ce13a1aa29edc7bc51758.jpg" width="252" /></a>When we first started dating, I was very ill. My pain was high everyday. My back, arms, legs and neck ached constantly and my stomach was in severe pain as well. I had just moved back to Utah after living in Missouri with my family for a time, recovering from my mission. I was still in a hard place physically. These were the first moments we were spending together, and they were spent with him coming to sit with me day after day to take care of me. He would bring me food, watch Disney movies with me, listen to music with me, talk with me, make me laugh, and he would just sit there and hold me if I needed to just cry and breathe through the pain. He would wipe away my tears and just love me the way I was. He would and still is helping me love myself just the way I am. Chronic pain and all.<br />
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Falling in love and having the blessing to marry this choice man has been the most beautiful spiritual and physical experience of my life. He brings me closer to heaven. We have had our ups and downs with Adam's health as well. There are some days where all I can do is hold him and pray that he can feel better soon. It is a continual learning process to be able to cope with his illness, and my own. Adam is learning the same thing. It is beautiful strengthening process. We need to rely on each other each day, and through the hard nights. Adam is always there for me. Even when he is sicker, and I'm the one struggling, he reaches out to me and is my safe haven. I have seen God's hand in our relationship from the beginning, and I know that His hand will always be in it.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj49ehwLxLa3geH4Ib0WmWdzA91B8MWE2iYudgNVW21X9iIafs5JK7SGt70fu_yWphyphenhyphenS2NE923NbHM29u5THSD_NsMCHA17oD6MLlA2po1OVVuVr5KYemLYqDi587ILm3HeAOYuStJ3mIw/s1600/fe4c88bafe79445897c9073cd5f622b5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj49ehwLxLa3geH4Ib0WmWdzA91B8MWE2iYudgNVW21X9iIafs5JK7SGt70fu_yWphyphenhyphenS2NE923NbHM29u5THSD_NsMCHA17oD6MLlA2po1OVVuVr5KYemLYqDi587ILm3HeAOYuStJ3mIw/s320/fe4c88bafe79445897c9073cd5f622b5.jpg" width="236" /></a><br />
If you have a loved one who has a chronic illness, I know it is so hard to watch them suffer. You are not alone. It is heart wrenching at times. Also know that your love and care means more to them than words can express. Please, be patient with them, for they are fighting a hard battle. Also, know that your love can be enough. <br />
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If you are battling a chronic illness, be patient with your loved ones, for they are fighting a hard battle having to see you suffer. They feel it deeply, and no matter how alone you feel, you are loved. Please remember that. You don't have to battle your illness alone. You are still good, beautiful, strong and amazing even with your illness. You are loved more than you know. <br />
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I feel so blessed to have Adam. One who truly understands what my illness and pain can do. I'm not fighting my illness alone, and never will have to fight it alone. Not only does he come to my rescue, but we can fight the battles together. Even among these challenging times of dealing with our individual illnesses, we can have pure joy, happiness, laughter and hope! He will never be fighting alone either, because guaranteed I will be there at his side.To quote one of my favorite bands Mae, "All that I've wanted is standing in front of me, all that I need that's for sure. You came to my room when I was sick and you made me yours. All you could need or expect it will come from me, no one will ever love you more. You're in my world for good and our love will always be the cure."<br />
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Photography by: The amazing Amanda Castleberry! <br />
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Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-37728351303895993272013-05-24T02:16:00.001-06:002013-05-24T02:50:34.654-06:00Lights and Angels Will Guide You HomeThis is a very special post. There is so much in my heart, and so much I feel so deeply and so much I want to share! First, I must begin with a miracle that happened just last night. This miracle needs to be shared.<br />
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First, I know that there are angels hiding in the motions, actions, thoughts, and love of humans. Especially the humans that love us the most. To quote one of my favorite songs, "There are angels hiding in the bones of humans...helping all these miracles along."<br />
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I received one most beautiful and touching gifts ever given yesterday by my dear angel friend and sister, Emily Dance Fish. She choreographed a dance that tells the story of my illness and pain. She and her amazing angel dancers kept it a secret from me until the performance last night! When I found out I began to cry. My heart was bursting. When the dance started, it was like I had entered a dream. It was so surreal and beautiful. I wept tears of healing and hope. Dance is a very special part of my heart and who I am. It has been a grieving process for me as I have felt my body weaken and to feel pain when I am moving and dancing, doing something that I love most in this world. When I watched that dance it was as if my spirit was dancing with them. It didn't matter that I was in pain, because I felt free. There are moments and movements in this dance that tap into my spirit and heart so deeply that it takes my breath away. This dance is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I feel like that if someone hooked up a projector to my heart, the movement from this dance is what I would see. It also is to a song that is so special to me, I have no words to describe the inspiration it gives. The song is "Fix You" by Coldplay.<br />
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Sometimes I feel like there are certain songs or lyrics that have been pulled straight out of my heart and played from it's strings. This song is one of those songs. These lyrics are perfect for all who struggle with chronic illness. They are perfect for anyone who has struggle. That's all of us.<br />
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There are two versions, one from another competition they performed it at and the performance last night. I wanted to show both, because one shows off the choreography better and one shows the lighting better. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgBIz4slvBI&feature=youtube_gdata_player"> Click here for one that shows a better quality of the choreography. :)</a><br />
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Emily later explained to me that the two dancers in red represent the illness. They are not portrayed as evil or bad. Rather an aching, but necessary part of my journey and who I am. My illness causes pain, not only in my hands, legs, back, stomach and arms, but also in my heart. They dance and move with me, but they are not who I really am. That is true for all of us. I want to make that clear. Our trials and pain, whatever forms or shapes or hardness they come in do not have to be evil, nor do they have to overwhelm our entire life. They can be tools for us to grow. As much grief as my illness has caused me, it also has been one of the greatest means for me to see the true beauties in life, and see what is truly important. In that sense, I am grateful for my illness. That can be true for all of us. There can be a balance of working through the challenge, yet still being truly happy, laughing and loving and experiencing true joy and peace. Yes, there are days when the burdens can be so heavy that they drag and push us down, but we have the strength within us to stand up again. They can reach us to our deepest parts and shake us to our very core, but we have angels and help to protect us and guide us through. We have angels around us to help heal us and stand up again. We have angels to help us when we are weak and feel we can't take one more step. They can lift us up and help us focus our gaze towards hope, light and heaven.<br />
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We may be marked in some way by the challenges we deal with. The red sash in the dance represents that. But, in the end, we can carry on while carrying the very things that hurt us. Our challenges can be the very thing that make us the best we can be. I believe and know that the hurt and problems we deal with will not last forever because of the reality and hope of Jesus Christ and because no matter what challenges we face, we can be happy and dance after our dreams. I must remember that.<br />
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Sometimes it may feel like we are constantly being pushed and pulled, tossed, turned and too bruised and broken to be fixed anymore. I know that we are made out of much deeper stuff than illness, and the struggles that come our way. Yet, it is our struggles that pull that deep stuff out of us for us to see and learn and grow from. It is an amazing process. I have so much to learn, and I am so grateful for the little and big experiences that give me some healing and help me try again tomorrow.<br />
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Awhile ago someone asked me what it was like to have to give up on my dreams of dancing and singing because of my illness. I told her that I had not given them up and that there was no way I was ever going to give up on those dreams. I feel so weak and worthless sometimes, and this dance has renewed my hope and fight to keep chasing after my dreams, goals and the quality of life that I want to live. I hope that it does the same for you.<br />
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There are lights to guide us home. There are those around us who yearn to fix us, and we yearn to fix them. I think that is one of the main reasons for challenges in our lives, so that we can learn how to help fix one another and be lights to each other. As the song sings, "Tears stream, down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace. Tears stream, down your face, and I will try to fix you."<br />
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I hope that we all can take the time to thank the "angels" in our lives that help us and lift us up beyond our struggles.<br />
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Thank you to these dancing angels. Emily, Shaunie, Brighton, Aisha, Aimee, Janessa, Magaly and Dulcee, you have given me a priceless gift. I want you to know that I will always, always treasure you and this dance. When I am hurting, I will remember this, and it will help me keep going. I hope that it does the same for you. What a bright and beautiful light you have brought into my life. There are no words to express. Keep dancing and inspiring. Each of you are amazing, graceful, and beyond sweet. You are all exquisite. Thank you for touching my heart. Know that I am thanking God for you in my prayers I know that He will bless you. I love you all with all my heart!<br />
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Ems, you have given me a most precious and beautiful gift. Your work and heart are amazing. You are my angel. From the beginning, you have brought joy, love, hope and peace into my life. Thank you for carrying me, and for always helping me see myself past my illness. I just don't have the words to express just how much this means to me. I love you forever.<br />
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Thank you to all my family, friends and angels who continuously love and carry me. I weep tears of gratitude as I write this for you. Thank you for being my lights and for helping me experience true joy and love on our journeys together. You all continue to amaze and inspire me.<br />
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I am filled to the brim and overflowing still. Sending you all my love.Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-2725584273270833872013-02-19T01:23:00.003-07:002013-02-19T01:25:04.977-07:00Confessions Of A Chronic Pain Sufferer<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
1. My Savior, Jesus Christ is literally who carries me through each day. Not only carries me, but gives me such merciful amounts peace, healing and mercy. I must confess just how difficult it is to share these experiences and feelings. My illness and pain have always been something I have kept locked up inside of me, not wanting anyone to know. But, this is my small, little girl attempt to make a difference in the lives of others who have chronic illnesses, health problems, or physical disabilities. I am determined to share my knowledge that you can have joy, peace and happiness even amongst the deepest pain. </div>
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2. The pain that I have is in my muscles and joints, therefore any sort of activity or movement hurts. The greatest pain centers for me are my neck, shoulders, back, hands and legs. It is no secret that have a great love for life though and all of the joys it brings! Life is amazing, and it full of so many more beautiful and significant things besides the pain.</div>
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3. Sometimes my stomach feels so sick that I want to cry. So, sometimes I find something to make me laugh. Sometimes the pain feels like knives in my muscles, or someone is twisting them into a knot. I just try to take some deep breathes and focus on what I can do that day. One day at a time. </div>
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4. Music is my life force and my escape. It is how I cope. It is the place I go to find relief. Sometimes, all I need is to put on my headphones, turn on a little Owl City, Ingrid Michaelson, Mindy Gledhill, Relient K, Mae, Joshua Radin, Yellowcard, Jillian Edwards, Aaron Espe, Coldplay, Nickel Creek, Sarah McLachlan or Sky Sailing and fly away! I close my eyes, take a deep breath and let the music and lyrics heal my mind and spirit. It is in music where all of the deepest feelings in my heart are put into song. It will play on my heart strings, and give me some hope to keep moving forward. Speaking of lyrics that melt away the hurt, this one is from Relient K. </div>
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5. I will never forget this one day. When I first started getting sick, and my body was increasingly in pain and I was only 15. After a time being sick at home I returned to school. I had to walk up some stairs to get to a class. I couldn't do it. After five steps, I had to sit down and rest. It took me 10 minutes to get up those stairs. I was late for class. I realized as I sat there, that my life would never be the same again. I felt a weight come on my shoulders that day, and even though that weight is still there, and often feels heavier than ever, it will never have the power to knock me down. </div>
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6. Disney makes everything better. Dreams really do come true, and happily ever afters are completely realistic. I believe that will all my heart. </div>
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7. My family and friends have pulled me through. It has been their love that tells me I can keep going. I can face the next day. It is their love that reminds me that I still have worth, importance and value. They teach me that I am more than my pain, and that I will be loved no matter what. I want all who suffer to know that. You have so much worth. There is so much greatness and awesomeness inside of you! Don't let your illness bury that. Rise above it. </div>
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8. Sometimes, my pain and illness really scare me. I have been in a place where I can't even mentally or emotionally function because of how sick I am. Sometimes my pain is so high I go into a state of shock and my body starts rejecting everything. I can't move, and just my clothes on my skin are painful. Being in that place really scares me, so when I feel myself getting sicker I fight really hard to keep fear away. If you are ever in that place with your illness, find what takes your fear away. For me, it is knowing that God will take care of me, that He is with me, watching over me, and will never abandon me. Find what keeps you from being scared or afraid and hold onto it everyday. Let it be your light when it seems like all is dark. </div>
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9. I made a promise to myself and to God that I would never give up. I promised that I would hold on and move forward no matter what. Because of that I hold myself accountable to see the light, and the beautiful things in my life, and what I am grateful for, no matter how sick I am, how hard things are, or how far away my dreams seem. I can spend a good time crying and hurting, but I always need to chose to move pass that and see the light behind the clouds and the light that is able to enter my heart because of the cracks in it. </div>
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10. My name is Caitie Graves, and I am not my body. </div>
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<br />Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-23390067505883280232013-01-17T16:00:00.000-07:002013-02-18T23:45:14.529-07:00New Start, Fresh Start, Running Start, Heart Start, Love Start, Hard Start, Brave Start<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
Sometimes, all you need to do is take your deepest breath and walk
down the steps. Sometimes, walls come up, and you need to knock them
down by just pushing forward. It's when the impossible clouds everything
up, and it is so hard to see your way forward, but you take that step
ahead anyway. I think it's called having a brave start.</div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
That is what I am striving to do right now. I am striving to surrender my fear and to be brave with my life.</div>
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It has been eight years since my chronic pain and illness began.
When it began, it was so confusing, and there were no answers or relief
to be found. Eight years later, sometimes it feels the exact same way.
Every morning when I wake up, my heart gets broken all over again
because of the pain. Whenever I walk or take a step, there are shooting
pains that run up my legs and back. My muscles constantly ache, and in
turn my spirit aches because of the things I yearn to do, and the dreams
I yearn to chase. It is difficult to feel strong, important and worth
something when you are in bed everyday. It is hard to feel strong when
something as simple as writing, walking, getting ready for the day and
picking something up become intimidating tasks. But, that is what I am
striving to fight right now. I am fighting back at the destructive
thought that I cannot control my health, my life or my dreams. I want
everyone who deals with chronic illness to know that is simply not true.
Your illness and trials may be a part of you, but they do not define
you. The choices you make everyday define who you are, and what you do.
The last year I have spent the majority of it in bed, and so sick,
sometimes it truly scares me more than I can express. But, I have made
the choice to move forward with my life. To push and knock down those
walls that come with years of being sick. I have such a long way to go. I
have so much to learn. But, all I know right now is that I need to try.
I need to try and fight to get my life back. Right now, I am doing just
a little bit at a time. Taking a class, living on my own, continuing my
physical and water therapy (more on that in future posts), continuing
to search for healing, physically and emotionally. It has been a huge
step for me. It is a huge jump, but I sure am willing to leap, and hope
that I can fly. I would much rather leap and take a chance then continue
to be barred up and confined by the walls of pain.</div>
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
I can say that I know that I am not alone. First, I know that God
is with me, and He carries me everyday. Second, I know that there are
so many others who deal with these "silent" chronic illnesses. I want
them to know that they are not alone either, and there is always hope. I
don't care how dark your world may seem, or what you deal with. There
is always hope. Period. Choose to see it, choose to fight for it, choose
to have a brave, new start. I know that it will all be worth it. We must begin, leap and take flight. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq3_SM6mnRWrXAjoDxRlco4oROKqfzkrpb5_40LYrtVuvBq_kPYD9G-rr0lfryAYzqZUcLKDHol2IiBHoSGdNlpMupDcDdaEfIhUYP7i8fy2RIj98jtdxNR3G8ABD4K8GgXeWcmiAnE_8/s1600/54254370480511952_c4YHJeib_c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq3_SM6mnRWrXAjoDxRlco4oROKqfzkrpb5_40LYrtVuvBq_kPYD9G-rr0lfryAYzqZUcLKDHol2IiBHoSGdNlpMupDcDdaEfIhUYP7i8fy2RIj98jtdxNR3G8ABD4K8GgXeWcmiAnE_8/s400/54254370480511952_c4YHJeib_c.jpg" width="285" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Don't be afraid of your walls, just take a deep breath and walk forward.
Take a leap. Sometimes we may be missing a wing, but that doesn't mean
we can't leap and learn how to fly. We just have to adjust the wings we have been given. </span><br />
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<br />Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-609721085734989482012-12-11T21:48:00.002-07:002012-12-11T21:48:56.120-07:00Hero Spotlight<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So! Every week or so, this blog is going to do a "hero spotlight." I want to post other people's stories, their experiences in dealing with any kind of chronic illness or physical hardship. This week I've asked my dear friend Stephen Merrill, to write something for us to share his story and thoughts with us. </span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Stephen has been a great friend, strength and inspiration to me. He is chronically brave and strong. Seriously, this guy completely rocks. You'll see why. Here is Stephen the Great's thoughts and story:</span><div>
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<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>"If there
is one thing I know to be true for everyone in the world, it's this: life is
not always rosy, and trials and adversity hit us all. It doesn't happen in the
same way for everyone, but tragedy affects us all. Whether it be injury,
disease, death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, etc. there will come a time
when each of us will have our hopes and dreams threatened. However, no matter
how grave the situation, don't despair, because there is always hope! Like my
dear friend Caitie, who started this blog in hopes of empowering those of us
who have been brought low by adversity, I'd like to share my story, with the
same goal in mind.</i></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My name
is Stephen Merrill, and about a year and a half ago I had a freak accident that
continues to affect almost every aspect of my life today. Towards the end of my
second semester of college, I broke my neck & fractured my C5 vertebrae at
a gymnastics facility. I immediately lost movement and function below my neck
and would spend the next four months in the hospital. Dark days followed, as my
once bright future was suddenly cast into doubt and I struggled to regain
control of my body systems. Unfortunately, there is no cure for a spinal cord
injury, and the only proven method of recovery lies in rigorous physical therapy.
The prayers of a multitude of supporters followed me, but as time passed and no
miraculous transformation occurred, the shattered dreams that so often haunted
me seemed to be becoming reality.</i></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>For those
who have gone through something similar, or for everyone that will in the
future, let me say a few things about adversity. First, never give up hope.
Life is beautiful, and you should make the most of the time you have, no matter
how much your capacity to experience portions of it have decreased. I say this
from experience, because there isn't a day that goes by in which I don't wish
for more physical capability. Second, stick close to those that love and
support you. I am fortunate enough to have a fantastic family, especially my
parents, who continue to help me every single day. I also have some dedicated
friends that have kept me in their thoughts and prayers and haven't let my
injury damage our friendship. Thank you. I realize that many people don't have
such a support system, so third, and most importantly, is to develop and stick
by your faith. My faith in God and that he has a brighter future for me has
been the foundation of my recovery. And he has truly blessed me. I have fully
recovered from my ordeal in all ways but physically, and my physical recovery
continues to slowly progress. I'm getting stronger everyday, and my belief that
my future is bright and full of possibility is stronger than ever, despite the
reality of my physical challenges.</i></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know
that for many people, life is good, easy even. However, I can guarantee you
that trials will come, because that's what life is about: responding to
adversity and growing as a person. It's not until we are really struggling
against something that we can become stronger. When, or if you are, please
never give up hope, and maintain your faith that our loving Heavenly Father
will make it possible for you to have all your hopes and dreams fulfilled. We
may not understand why, how, or when, but if we but turn to him, it will
happen. I have felt that heavenly comfort in my darkest hour and I know it is
there for everyone, to comfort and enrich your life when there is nothing else
available to you."<span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">See what I mean? </span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Stephen is the perfect example choosing to see the light, even when it is hiding behind the clouds. Because of that, his future is so very bright. I will never forget visiting Stephen right after the accident in the hospital. He greeted me with a smile and was so positive. When I left, I wept because I was so touched by his brave spirit and his courage. I would weep every time I left visiting him, because of his hope and determination He continues to have the same great attitude and positive perspective, and he is a light to all who meet him. He shows us that miracles happen and that healing is possible no matter our circumstances. We must have hope. For me, Stephen is the definition of this scripture. I know that this scripture applies to each of us. God has beautiful dreams, plans, hopes and gifts for each of us, we just need to love Him and trust Him.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtJhgenDMX3biz9d5pScOp8hV_oe0NN_TcdRxUIrKSbr-qbH6K6Nsr4Ozrqt0Btq4pAMeyhAZBeQsa_cRf54-Sw9ZgbaVmbLU6ECmiZzIGb8ldosCNUJ-fRRQGz93Xf_3Myy0I3_c-AHI/s1600/scripture-art-bible-verse-art-faith.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtJhgenDMX3biz9d5pScOp8hV_oe0NN_TcdRxUIrKSbr-qbH6K6Nsr4Ozrqt0Btq4pAMeyhAZBeQsa_cRf54-Sw9ZgbaVmbLU6ECmiZzIGb8ldosCNUJ-fRRQGz93Xf_3Myy0I3_c-AHI/s640/scripture-art-bible-verse-art-faith.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We love Stephen the Great! To learn more about Stephen's remarkable story and to share it with others dealing with any kind of paralysis, chronic illness or physical disability, check out his awesome family's blog at stephenmerrill.blogspot.com.</span></div>
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Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-34669245936518977292012-12-09T19:03:00.001-07:002012-12-10T23:22:31.522-07:00Grace<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As I was pondering of what to write for the next post, it was very obvious. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
My relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father go hand in hand with my pain and illness. For me, I can't have one without the other. My illness brings me closer to God because I must rely constantly on Him, and in turn God gives me my chronic illness in order to learn more about Him, and to learn of His all encompassing love. In that sense, my illness is a blessing. It is a lesson, in my weaknesses that I am constantly learning and re-learning. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have been constantly there for me every single day and night of pain. I know that their love is real, it is powerful, and it is healing. I know that it is only because of them that I am able to cope with my illness, and to still have peace, assurance and joy. Even in my darkest moments of illness, and pain they have never abandoned me. I have done nothing to deserve the grace given to me by our Savior, Jesus Christ. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
As I was thinking of how to convey my deep feelings for the Savior, I knew that I had to be bold in testifying of my knowledge of Him, His reality, His love and His life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">When the Savior suffered for us on the cross and in the Garden of Gethsemane, He took upon himself our pains. Not just the pains, suffering and guilt of when mistakes are made, but all of the physical and emotional hurt and suffering we will ever feel. That is where grace comes in. In a scriptural dictionary grace is defined as, "...divine means of help or strength given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus that individuals through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
It is the grace of Jesus Christ, that carries me every single day. Grace is my angel mother typing this for me because my hands hurt so bad. Grace is dear friend being there for me in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because of the pain. Grace came to me last night, when I was in such pain I could hardly breath, and the Spirit said to me, "let God take care of you." Grace is the strength God gives me to get through my physical and water therapy each week. Grace is the help I am given to be able to walk each step. Grace is the peace, comfort and re-assurances of His love that God sends me when I pray, even when I am weak and full of mistakes. Jesus Christ doesn't make up the difference. He makes all the difference. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
This is one of my favorite paintings ever. In the history of the world. It also happens to be done by one of my favorite artists. Ever. In the whole wide world. It is done by James Christensen. This painting is entitled, "Sometimes the Spirit Touches Us Through Our Weaknesses." This is how this remarkable artist describes this painting, "The Latin <i>post nubila phoebus </i>translates as, 'after clouds, sun.' It's something like our saying that every cloud has a silver lining. I think that we often grow through adversity. No one wants trials and ordeals, and yet, having passed through the darkness, we often experience great spiritual illumination and feel the most connected with our Maker."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
I know that we are lifted, touched, carried and surrounded by heavenly hands more than we know or realize. I also know that hardships, pain and illness can be a direct link to spiritual illumination, divine love and great personal recognition and growth. This is all possible because of the love and sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ. He lives. His love is real. He can heal us, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
I love how Paul perfectly describes it: "Unless I should be exalted above all measure, through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a <u>thorn in the flesh</u>. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. <u>And He said unto me, my Grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness.</u> Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, and reproaches, and necessities, and persecutions, and distresses for Christ's sake. <u>For when I am weak, then am I strong</u>" (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
So, my heart is divided and made up of different beautiful songs. This is one of them. Please, enjoy and feel the Savior's love for you. Let God take care of you. </span><br />
Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7978675484653007981.post-87406815174195300562012-12-07T00:11:00.000-07:002012-12-10T23:23:16.043-07:00Brave<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, here we go. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is my little girl attempt to make some small difference. A good, and I hope a beautiful and brave difference. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once upon a time, there was a young girl. She dreamed of great and strong adventures. She dreamed of exploring, singing, sharing, dancing and loving. She dreamed of being strong and brave. She was a little girl, but she had giant plans. One day, her body became very sick and weak. Pain began to plague her body. She was so determined to not let her illness take away her dreams. For years, she and her loved ones searched for a cure. They searched, pondered, prayed, learned, cried and grew. The little girl's heart was broken countless times, and she has cried countless tears because of her physical challenges. She still has a hurt heart because of her painful body, but has decided to feel hope everyday. One day, a doctor gave her a miracle. An answer to call her pain and illness. She also saw a path to take to fight it. This girl is determined to fight. This reminded her that her illness is real, very real and very hard, but it is also possible, and in it's own way, beautiful. Her dreams are still possible. She is still searching for relief, and she is still chasing her dreams and her light. And that is where the story leaves off for now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm still writing this story, because it's my own. :)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hi. My name is Caitie Graves. When I was 15 years old I began to have chronic pain and illness. Seven years later, that illness remains. I have been diagnosed with chronic pain disorders called myofacsial pain syndrome and central sensitization disorder and a stomach condition called irritable bowel syndrome. Essentially, my muscles and joints are in aching pain every day when I wake up, from when I lay down to sleep. They are very debilitating and hurtful. Every step hurts. Despite this, I am very, very, very grateful for them. They teach me. They teach me how to be brave. While they are life long lasting conditions, they are teaching me to be chronically brave. They will teach me how to be brave my entire life. While they make me weak, through my God and my hope and my faith, I can be brave and strong.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why start a blog? Because I want to share my story. I know that I am not alone. I know there are many, many others who have these and other "silent" and "quiet" chronic illnesses. These illnesses may sometimes be invisible to others, but they are real, hard, heart wrenching, dream shattering, life changing problems. I want this to be a place of hope for others who are suffering. I want to share with them, and I want them to share with me.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyLt40kMlys3cOdwc2sVSLHyuY74WKq_QLfLRxEdmCzs4MLVPEuob1sZtzSLodeShBSGE-5azaVsMj5ibQQXgjNC1gT0-SSJ6QGviuqIvvHzGWLsrGM8RQN2YgAjwc0uIF0bVenkvf2Lk/s1600/13581236347897370_1UqYaVgq.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyLt40kMlys3cOdwc2sVSLHyuY74WKq_QLfLRxEdmCzs4MLVPEuob1sZtzSLodeShBSGE-5azaVsMj5ibQQXgjNC1gT0-SSJ6QGviuqIvvHzGWLsrGM8RQN2YgAjwc0uIF0bVenkvf2Lk/s320/13581236347897370_1UqYaVgq.jpeg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The truth is, there is hope, and there is light. It is my prayer that as I share my experiences dealing with chronic pain and illness, others can feel brave, even when they feel weak and scared. I am here to tell you that is possible. Happiness and peace are possible in a life of pain and illness. I know it. Please, share this blog if you or any of your friends and loved ones deal with any kind of chronic pain or illness. Even if you don't, I would love for you to join me in writing the rest of my story and hear about your story in return. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">My story may not change the world, but it will touch it. </span></div>
Caitie Brynerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01064026759867877910noreply@blogger.com3