Sometimes, all you need to do is take your deepest breath and walk
down the steps. Sometimes, walls come up, and you need to knock them
down by just pushing forward. It's when the impossible clouds everything
up, and it is so hard to see your way forward, but you take that step
ahead anyway. I think it's called having a brave start.
That is what I am striving to do right now. I am striving to surrender my fear and to be brave with my life.
It has been eight years since my chronic pain and illness began.
When it began, it was so confusing, and there were no answers or relief
to be found. Eight years later, sometimes it feels the exact same way.
Every morning when I wake up, my heart gets broken all over again
because of the pain. Whenever I walk or take a step, there are shooting
pains that run up my legs and back. My muscles constantly ache, and in
turn my spirit aches because of the things I yearn to do, and the dreams
I yearn to chase. It is difficult to feel strong, important and worth
something when you are in bed everyday. It is hard to feel strong when
something as simple as writing, walking, getting ready for the day and
picking something up become intimidating tasks. But, that is what I am
striving to fight right now. I am fighting back at the destructive
thought that I cannot control my health, my life or my dreams. I want
everyone who deals with chronic illness to know that is simply not true.
Your illness and trials may be a part of you, but they do not define
you. The choices you make everyday define who you are, and what you do.
The last year I have spent the majority of it in bed, and so sick,
sometimes it truly scares me more than I can express. But, I have made
the choice to move forward with my life. To push and knock down those
walls that come with years of being sick. I have such a long way to go. I
have so much to learn. But, all I know right now is that I need to try.
I need to try and fight to get my life back. Right now, I am doing just
a little bit at a time. Taking a class, living on my own, continuing my
physical and water therapy (more on that in future posts), continuing
to search for healing, physically and emotionally. It has been a huge
step for me. It is a huge jump, but I sure am willing to leap, and hope
that I can fly. I would much rather leap and take a chance then continue
to be barred up and confined by the walls of pain.
I can say that I know that I am not alone. First, I know that God
is with me, and He carries me everyday. Second, I know that there are
so many others who deal with these "silent" chronic illnesses. I want
them to know that they are not alone either, and there is always hope. I
don't care how dark your world may seem, or what you deal with. There
is always hope. Period. Choose to see it, choose to fight for it, choose
to have a brave, new start. I know that it will all be worth it. We must begin, leap and take flight.
